


kiss me in the moonlight (till it makes me feel alright)

by saladmander



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, anyway this probably needs a good edit but whatever, they're soft and they deserve to be happy thanks, this is an alternate juliantina reunion after episode 76 because i have a lot of feelings about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 16:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17870891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saladmander/pseuds/saladmander
Summary: The tears well hot and angry in Juliana’s eyes and a choked sob escapes her as they begin to fall, mingling with the droplets of water running down her face from her hair. Soon her entire body is shaking and the sounds of her pain echo damply throughout the humid bathroom. It’s the first sound she’s made since she got home, and it shocks her and suddenly she feels everything.





	kiss me in the moonlight (till it makes me feel alright)

Juliana wakes to the sound of gentle rain hitting the roof tiles.

She’s not sure when it got dark or when the breeze coming through her open door lost its late afternoon warmth, but she shivers slightly and curls herself into an even tighter ball on the bed. The last thing she remembers before falling asleep is the way her mother had sat beside her and the feeling of fingers combing through her hair. She’s gone now, but Juliana almost misses the constant whispers of apology and gratitude and prayer that Lupita spoke into the otherwise quiet room because now it feels too empty, too still.

Juliana knows her eyes are open because they hurt – in that raw, scratchy way that tells her to go back to sleep – but she sees nothing. There’s no light coming from anywhere, and the feeling of staring unseeingly into the pitch black of her bedroom is strangely numbing, as though she’s under some sort of anaesthetic that has deprived her of all sensation. She can’t remember the last time a defined thought passed through her mind, let alone what it might have been.

She’s never really wondered what it might feel like to be dead, but now she thinks that it’s probably something close to this. A complete lack of sensory input, quiet and cold and dark and alone. Somehow that doesn’t bother her.

She’s not really sure how long she lies there, whether the time is passing in minutes or hours or even at all. At some point Juliana looks down at her clothes, the ones she’s been wearing for days now, and feels a wave of revulsion wrack her body. She wants nothing more than to rip them off, to remove every tangible trace of what happened from her skin. She can feel the layer of sweat, blood and dirt that covers her body and she feels the visceral urge to be _clean_.

Juliana sits up and swings her legs over the side of the bed and for a moment she just sits there. Now that she’s no longer lying down, she can feel the deep aches that seep into every muscle and bone in her body. The exhaustion she feels extends far past the physical sense and pervades her very being, and she has to resist the urge to simply curl up and go back to sleep. But she wants – no, _needs_ to shower, and she’s honestly not sure that sleep would feel much different than this perversion of wakefulness anyway.

She stands slowly and takes a few short steps, following the path she’s memorised from her bed to the bathroom. She reaches up a hand and fumbles along the wall until she finds the light switch; she’s reluctant to flip it because she knows as soon as she does, she’ll find herself staring into the mirror and it’s the last thing she wants right now. After a moment’s hesitation, Juliana turns on the light and squints into the harsh glare that ricochets off all the porcelain surfaces, amplifying the pain that shoots behind her eyes. She closes them instinctively and simply stands in the middle of the room, letting the discomfort pass before she opens her them again.

When she catches a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror, Juliana feels as though she’s watching a stranger. There’s a purpling bruise on the corner of her mouth, and one on her chin too. She starts to remove her clothing, her movements robotic and methodical despite the underlying urgency she feels to get it all as far away from her skin as possible. She lets every last piece fall to the floor before she looks at herself in the mirror again. Bruises are dotted all across her skin – some darker than others, some lighter and more yellowed. Every single one is a stark reminder of where she’s been – of the rough hands and violent touches that terrorised her for what had felt like an eternity.

Juliana reaches into the shower and turns the handle, setting the water temperature to something in between hot and scalding. She shivers as she waits for water to warm. When steam begins to fill the room, she steps into the shower and lets the hot water cascade over her body. It’s the most real thing she’s felt in the hours since she got home and she knows it’s burning but it feels better than the cold, insensible stillness that has settled inside her. For a while, she simply stands under the jets, letting the water warm her; the sound of it rushing past her ears and hitting the shower floor is constant and comforting. When she feels like her body is warmed enough to move again, Juliana takes the body wash from the shelf and squeezes some into her hand. She spreads it over her body starting with her arms, then her chest and stomach.

Everywhere her hands glide over aches and bruises as she washes away the grime of captivity. Her own touch feels foreign to her and she steels herself against the lingering memories of violation and fear. She winces as she touches a particularly tender bruise on her left arm, just below her shoulder. As she studies it, she makes out a pattern of finger marks running from her shoulder to her elbow, the impressions of the men who had grabbed and shoved her so savagely. Hatred and disgust well up inside her, their heat rivalling the scorching water flowing down her body. She rubs desperately at the bruises as though she can wash them away with the dirt and blood, but they’re still there and her skin feels raw and helplessness mingles with the hatred.

Juliana leans back against the shower wall, ignoring the shock of the cold tiles on her heated skin. She closes her eyes and tilts her head back, her chest heaving with the weight of drawing each breath. She feels each inhale stoking the fire that’s growing inside her chest; she’s not sure if it’s the heat of the shower or the intensity of what she’s feeling but her blood is molten as it rushes through her veins.

Her legs give way and she sinks to the floor, her back still against the wall, and she pulls her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them. All she wants now is to have as little of herself exposed to the world as possible, the world that has given her so much hurt and betrayal. Tucked away in this corner, surrounded by steam and the roar of running water, Juliana starts to cry.

The tears well hot and angry in Juliana’s eyes and a choked sob escapes her as they begin to fall, mingling with the droplets of water running down her face from her hair. Soon her entire body is shaking and the sounds of her pain echo damply throughout the humid bathroom. It’s the first sound she’s made since she got home, and it shocks her and suddenly she feels _everything_.

The dam Juliana had subconsciously built to hold back the pain breaks, and she is flooded with all the fear, suffering, and despair of the last few days – no, weeks of her life. Everything she has tucked away and refused to examine or feel is knotted together into this one, earth-rending emotion and it swallows her whole.

The guilt and regret of betrayal, confusion and doubt about the people she thought she knew, the terror of the threats laid against her life and her body – they all boil over and flow out of her in anguished cries and sobs.

Juliana sits there for what feels like hours, simply letting everything wash over her and off of her, watching the water swirl down the drain and out of sight. She wishes everything inside her could go with it. Eventually she stands, the tears still burning a trail down her cheeks, and turns the water off. The loss of warmth and sound is instantaneous, and she hates that she can hear herself crying now.

She steps out of the shower and grabs her towel, running it over her skin which is now pink and sensitive. Every touch of the fabric against her body is almost painful despite the soft fibres of the towel. When she’s dry, Juliana wraps it around herself and walks to her closet, pulling on a pair of underwear and a singlet. She wants the least amount of clothing possible against her skin because every touch seems amplified and raw.

She brings her towel up to dry her eyes, but it’s pointless because the tears are still falling and she knows she couldn’t stop them if she tried.

The only light in the room is the dim glow coming through the open bathroom door. Instinctively, Juliana moves to her nightstand and picks up her phone. She doesn’t even have to think about the movements of her fingers as they seek the call button of the only person she can even bear to think about right now. Valentina’s name appears on the screen and she brings the phone to her ear and listens to the outgoing call tone. Juliana hasn’t even considered the possibility that Val won’t pick up and honestly hasn’t though about what she wants to say, but she needs to hear her voice. When she hears the gentle click of Valentina answering the call, she feels the relief in her bones.

“ _Juliana?_ ” Valentina says, and Juliana closes her eyes, forcing more tears to spill onto her cheeks. “ _Juliana, are you okay?_ ”

The desperation and relief and tenderness mixed into Valentina’s words is enough to coax a violent sob from Juliana’s throat. It’s the first time she’s heard that voice in days and it pierces through everything she’s lived and everything she’s feeling, right to the very core of her being.

“ _Juliana_ ,” Val says again when she gets no response, this time sounding alarmed. For a few moments, Juliana can’t quite manage to get any words out around her tears.

“I need you, Val,” she finally says, her voice cracking with the admission.

“ _I’m here,_ ” Valentina says quickly, “ _I’m right here. Talk to me, Juls_.”

“I don’t—” Juliana starts, but the lump in her throat cuts her words off before she can finish. She’s crying openly now, losing all sense of modesty or pretence.

“ _Oh, Juliana no,_ ” Val says softly, and Juliana swears she can hear tears clouding the other girl’s voice as well. The last thing she wants is to make Valentina cry.

“Val, please, I—” she says, unsure how to express what she needs from her.

“ _I’m coming, Juliana. I’m gonna come to you._ ”

Juliana nods in response before realising Val can’t see her.

“Okay,” she breathes.

Juliana can hear the sounds of Val getting out of bed and moving around her room, and it occurs to her that she has no idea what time it is. All she knows is that she desperately doesn’t want to be alone.

“ _Juliana, I’ll be there soon, okay? I love you,_ ” Valentina says, and the words hit Juliana square in the chest with all the force of a speeding freight train, echoing throughout every cell in her body. After a few seconds she hears the call-end tone and knows that Val is on her way. Suddenly her muscles are shaking with the force of keeping herself upright, and she lets herself slowly collapse to the floor, her back against the side of her bed. Just as she had in the shower, she tugs her knees up and rests her elbows on them, letting her head fall into her hands. She wipes at the salty trails running down her cheeks and wonders absently how she hasn’t run out of tears yet.

She doesn’t know how long she waits but soon she hears hurried footsteps approaching outside. Within seconds she feels Val step into the room, letting out a soft gasp as she sees Juliana sitting on the floor.

“Oh, love. I’m sorry,” Valentina says, and at the sound of her voice, Juliana finally looks up at her. The sight of Valentina is enough to bring on a fresh wave of tears, tears she’s now seeing mirrored in the blue eyes looking down at her. Val drops to her knees in front of Juliana and reaches her hands out to brush the still-damp hair from Juliana’s face and tuck it behind her ears. Val’s thumbs brush gently across Juliana’s cheekbones, wiping away the tears and soothing the skin that’s red and raw from being rubbed at.

“Come here,” Valentina says as she shifts beside Juliana to wrap her arms around her. Juliana leans into it, surrendering herself to the embrace. She almost wishes Val didn’t have to see her like this – curled up in a ball on the floor in nothing but her underwear – but she can’t bring herself to care because the gentle stroking of her hair and the hushed reassurances in her ear are the only thing grounding her to the mortal plane.

Juliana can’t tell whether she’s shivering from the cold or exhaustion or emotion or a combination of all three but she can’t stop, her whole body vibrating with it. Her breathing is laboured and shallow, interrupted by the occasional hiccupped sob. Juliana feels a kiss pressed to the top of her head and Valentina’s warm hand running up and down her arm.

“Hey, you’re alright. You’re safe, Juliana. I’ve got you,” Valentina says, her voice just above a whisper. Juliana wants desperately to believe what she’s hearing but she’s never felt less alright in her entire life.

They sit like that for a while, Juliana simply letting herself be held, before Valentina slides her arm out from behind Juliana and moves away slightly. Juliana reflexively reaches out to stop her pulling away, but Val hushes her.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Val says, tangling her hands with Juliana’s and gently urging her to stand up. “Come up here, where you’ll be more comfortable.”

Every muscle in Juliana’s body protests as she unfolds her limbs to stand, which she does shakily. But Valentina is there, supporting her. Once they’re both standing, Juliana wraps her arms around Valentina and burrows her face into the crook of her neck, like Val had done to her so many times before. She presses her cheek against Val’s skin, now wet with her tears.

Valentina just holds her and rubs her hand up and down Juliana’s back. A minute passes before Valentina starts to gently guide Juliana towards the bed. She releases Juliana briefly as she settles herself back against the pillows, though never letting go of her hand.

She gives a gentle tug and Juliana follows, climbing onto the bed and moving towards Val, crawling into her open arms. Her head rests on Valentina’s chest, her ear right over the reassuringly steady heartbeat of the girl she loves, and she tries to steady her breathing to match its rhythm. Valentina’s cheek rests on top of her head, her arms holding Juliana as close as possible. Their legs tangle together until Juliana’s not sure where she ends and Valentina begins but that’s exactly what she needs right now. Gradually, Juliana feels some of the panic slipping away and the stillness that replaces it is different to the numb emptiness of earlier. No, this is something much closer to peace, as close as she has felt to it in a long time.

“I’m sorry, Val,” Juliana whispers. She feels as though anything louder would shatter their little pocket of the universe into a million pieces.

“What for?” Val asks, and Juliana doesn’t want to voice any of this, but she knows she has to. She can’t keep it buried inside her chest any longer.

“Everything,” she says, closing her eyes and licking the tears from her lips. “I’m sorry for leaving, for giving up on us, for Sergio—”

Juliana hesitates, not sure what Valentina knows, but the thumb stroking her arm never falters so she pushes on.

“I’m sorry for making you worried and I’m sorry for Lucho, God I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for putting you all in danger,” Juliana says, her voice catching.

“I know, my love, I know. All that matters is that you’re safe and here with me now, okay?”

Juliana stays quiet, worrying her lip between her teeth and revelling in the patience and fondness radiating from Valentina. Juliana doesn’t deserve this unquestioning acceptance from her, not after how much she knows hurt her.

“No matter what it is, I forgive you,” Valentina whispers.

A fresh wave of tears overcomes Juliana, but these are different from the others. She cries because she’s never felt so _loved_ in her whole life.

Juliana sniffles softly and lifts her head to look up at Valentina; the blue eyes that look back at her are filled with all the warmth and compassion in the world.

“You do?” Juliana asks, unable to properly comprehend this level of acceptance.

“Juliana, listen to me,” Valentina says, her voice shaking with emotion. “When I found out you had been kidnapped, my world stopped. Nothing mattered to me except getting you out of there and all I could think about was if you were okay – if you were even alive. And now that I have you back, I never want to feel like that again. Ever.”

Tears begin to well in Valentina’s eyes, and she closes them and takes a deep breath. Juliana’s heart aches and she resists the urge to kiss away the wet trail running down Valentina’s cheek. She’s not sure what Val wants from her anymore.

“Val, don’t cry. No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Juliana says again, the words seeming inadequate to cover the deep sense of guilt she feels for having caused Valentina so much pain.

Seconds pass, and Valentina’s eyes search Juliana’s face. She seems to be thinking very hard about her next words.

“Is it true you’re going out with Sergio?” she finally asks.

“What?” Juliana says, lifting her head from Val’s chest and sitting up a little straighter. They’re still tangled together inextricably, but Juliana needs to see Val’s face.

Despite the confusion, panic and shame that compete within her, Juliana holds Valentina’s steady, waiting gaze. Juliana sees the slight clench of her jaw and knows the strength it must have taken to ask that question.

“Sergio,” Valentina repeats. “Are you two dating now?”

“Val, no. No, I don’t even—” Juliana tries to explain, to express just how much she is definitely not dating Sergio, but she doesn’t have the right words.

“But is it true what he told me? That you…” Valentina trails off, unable to bring herself to finish her question.

Juliana searches Valentina’s eyes for any hint of hatred or disgust, but all she finds is sadness. She takes a deep breath before answering.

“Yes,” she admits. “It is.”

Juliana can tell that although it’s the answer Valentina was expecting, it still fucking _hurts_. She’s never regretted anything so much in her life, and she hates everything that led her to make the mistake that she did. But it’s done now, and she can’t take it back. All she can do is tell the truth.

“I didn’t do it to hurt you, Val,” she says, reaching a hand out to run a thumb across Valentina’s cheek. “I would never want to hurt you. But I was drunk and confused and it was stupid and horrible and I know it’s no excuse but I’m sorry.” Her words run together because she knows if she doesn’t say it all now she’ll never be able to say it again.

“You were drunk?” Val asks, somewhat taken aback. “Juliana—”

“I know.” Juliana averts her eyes, unable to face the shock in Valentina’s. “This is why I don’t drink, Val.” She pauses. “But I want you to know that it meant nothing to me and I…I hated myself afterwards.”

They’re both quiet now, each trying to absorb the gravity of what Juliana has admitted and work out how to move forwards from here. Valentina breaks the silence first.

“I still love you,” she says softly, and Juliana looks up, not expecting to hear those words after what has just passed between them. She lets the words settle, smiling for what she thinks is probably the first time since this mess began. She holds Val’s gaze through teary eyes.

“I love you too, Val,” she says and reaches out, pulling Valentina into a tight embrace. “So much,” she whispers.

Valentina laughs and Juliana can hear that she’s still crying but it’s infectious, and Juliana can’t help but laugh too. It’s as though their bodies need to expel all the energy and tension of the last few days, and she supposes laughter works just as well as tears.

Juliana pulls back and places a hand on each side of Valentina’s face, holding her tenderly and making sure she can see as well as hear the sincerity in her next words.

“Valentina Carvajal, you are the most important person in my whole world. You have been ever since the very first day that we met. And I know we’ve made mistakes and I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I don’t want to do anything without you by my side. I love you, I am _in_ love with you, and I want you to be my girlfriend… if you’d like that.”

Valentina’s smile finally reaches her eyes, and she bites her lip as she nods, teary-eyed, and laughs again.

“Yes?” Juliana asks hesitantly.

“Yes,” Valentina says, and Juliana feels a warm glow bloom inside her chest, chasing out some of the darkness that had settled inside her in the past weeks. Juliana continues to stroke Valentina’s cheeks, and her gaze flits down to Valentina’s lips briefly before coming back up to meet her eyes.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Juliana whispers, unable to help herself. She needs to remind herself that this is real, that Valentina is really here and that she’s not going anywhere, not tonight.

Valentina doesn’t answer her and simply closes the distance between them, kissing Juliana tenderly but surely. Everything else melts away and Juliana can only feel the places where her body touches Valentina’s; their legs, their chests, their hands and their lips. All that matters on this Earth is the feeling of having Valentina close again, of her warmth and her softness. Their mouths move gently against one another, without the urgency or hesitation of their previous kisses. Juliana can feel the _I love you_ that Valentina’s soul is speaking to hers and it’s all she can do to stop herself from crying again.

When they part, Valentina slides her hand around to the back of Juliana’s neck and holds her close, their foreheads resting against one another and breaths mingling in the space between their lips.

A deep exhaustion settles back over Juliana’s body, but it’s not unpleasant and she knows it comes only from having the weight on her shoulders lessened by their conversation. She spends so much energy fighting her feelings for the sake of others, but it feels so fucking good to just let go for once. She still has a lot to work through, a lot to process and heal from, and a lot to talk to Val about. But maybe this time she closes her eyes to sleep, she won’t find herself drowning in memories of fear and pain.

Carefully, they adjust themselves on the bed so they’re lying down, face to face and as close as two people can possibly be. Juliana loses the fight to keep her eyes open as she listens to Valentina’s whispered “I love you”s and savours the protective weight of the arms around her waist.

  
Things might not be completely okay for Juliana right now, but with Valentina wrapped around her like this, she starts to feel that maybe one day, they will be.

**Author's Note:**

> hope everyone enjoyed their free ticket to sadtown, population: me
> 
> come cry with me on my tumblr @saladmander


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